Tomkat whelps, world yelps

The Suri With The Fringe On Top
(to the tune of “Surrey with the Fringe On Top” from “Oklahoma”)
(apologies to Richard Rodgers & Oscar Hammerstein II)

L. Ron Hubbard’s flock’s in flurry
Tomkat just had a girl -- named her Suri,
She has hair which makes her a Suri with a fringe on top
Watch that fringe and see how it flutters
Hear the paparazzi whose shutters.
Click and clack and flash so the People readers’ eyes will pop

Though Holmes was Catholic, she isn’t that now--
Knock her folks down with a feather.
She’s joined the Scientology crowd
Some say she’s snapped off her tether.

All those people screamin’ and pointin’
Waiting for the wondrous annointin’
Hopin’ it’s not too disappointin’
When they see the tot
That tiny little Suri with the weird-ass pop

All the world’ll fly in a flurry
When they show off their little Suri,
When they debut their little Suri with the fringe on top.

Watch those photo agencies shoot her
(Even though I think Tom is neuter
We’ll assume that he was the shooter
And that he’s her pop)

Though Katie is brainwashed and probably numb
And had to give birth keeping quiet
The spawn of those two enthralls the world
And makes photographers riot

Are you sick yet of all this attention
Endless gossip columnar mention
Nothing even looks like declension
Or that this might stop
The frantic, freaky fever for the tiny little Suri with the fringe on top

Now I think my vision is blurry
And I know I’m starting to worry
’Bout that poor little kid name of Suri with the weird-ass pop
It’ll just be worse when she’s older
Someone should have quietly told her,
“Just keep looking over your shoulder for a flash-bulb’s pop.”
The papparazzi will never give up
They’ll dog your each waking second
Your dad is a nut-case who’s probably gay
Your mom’s in for more than she reckoned

You’re too young to know folks are thinking
That your situation is stinking
Now you’re here we hope all this weirdness might slow to a stop
Poor blurry little Suri with a weird-ass pop