Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Reckoning "The Hour"



Now that the fuss is over, and the p.r. and the pre-launch hype, try to make sense of “The Hour,” CBC Newsworld’s effort to get the younger demographic pay to attention to the news. Start with the fact it’s not news.

Part of what’s baffling here is what the people who conceived this show mean when they talk about “young people.” Is it the vaunted 18-to-34 demographic, which even dedicated advertising professionals know is a chimera? And who says the news needs to be skewed or prepared or massaged differently for people because of their age? Isn’t it usually the case that whenever young people think something conceived by non-young people is being aimed at them, they won’t watch on principle? The patronizing idea that people in their late teens and early 20s need the news somehow rendered more palatable presumes that they’re not smart enough, engaged enough or sufficiently sophisticated to be given regular news. It’s like they need special “news pabulum” that’s had anything challenging or threatening or unpleasant filtered out of it, or maybe mashed into such a fine paste it doesn’t exist. Or maybe it implies that younger news consumers need absolutely everything coated with a carapace of sugary glitz, cheesy effects and “attitude” in order to make it palatable.

Watching “The Hour” makes that seem the more likely philosophy. The p.r. before the show’s launch made much of host George Stoumboulopoulous’s intention to demand the truth. George stayed on message throughout the p.r. campaign. Look up the stories: George says “no bullshit” at least once — more, if he can manage it — in every piece.

The flip side of “easy-does-it-news-substitute” formula is the implication that all the other news on CBC Newsworld is so unutterably dull that it’s figured the rest of its audience — the “unyoung,” or “old” audience — will sit through just about anything. Only the fickle youngsters can muster the resolve necessary to tune out if something isn’t interesting.

What’s the show look like? “The Hour” is a talk show. George Strooumboulopoulous’s main qualification seems to be that he used to be a VJ, and “the kids” know who he is. The ancillary elements of Stroumboulopoulous’s old job — too much hair product, nasal piercing, no journalistic experience — are grimy icing on the attitudinal cake. There are some tape pieces. But they’re not stories. They’re set-ups for more talk, often in that strange closed-loop approach the CBC, in particular, seems to favor, wherein you send meat puppet out of the building with a producer and a crew to snag a mess of streeter clips in order that the talking head can come back and talk to the host about the clips. Of course, what’s missing is some actual information about whatever it is everybody is opining about.

If viewers want ignorant commentary on the news, why turn to Newsworld? Ignorant commentary on the news is what loudmouthed, opinionated family members are for. If you don’t have loudmouthed opinionated family members, there are blogs at every point on the political spectrum that’ll provide the maximum daily allowance of stupid, badly-written opinion. And if that fails, there’s talk radio, Fox News, Crossfire, or a religious TV channel.

The Big Three networks’ standard-issue 6:00 or 6:30 p.m. nightly newscasts are losing viewers daily. If viewers don’t have the patience or interest in 22 minutes of news during supper, either because they’ve got the news from the paper or online or on an all-news channel, what are the chances they’ll want to watch somebody have not-very-interesting pre-scripted conversations about the news? Does this seem like a recipe for getting anybody to watch a “current affairs” show, regardless of their age?

Interestingly, The New York Times assumes even kids in grammar school can read its product without forcing it through some special “wannabe-hipster-doofus” filter first. At what point do people who gather and deliver news think that their audience doesn’t need some special “low-impact” version of their product?

The thinking that seems to be behind shows like “The Hour” seems to be that by the time you’re grown up enough to handle actual news, you’re in a demographic nobody wants to reach.

Monday, February 07, 2005

But why is it that way?

CBS has decided not to decide, at least for now, what to do with the Evening News. Or with itself. There are noises again about its merging or joining forces somehow — strategically, in business terms, somehow — with CNN, and that would make a lot of sense. Before that, it may turn itself into ABC World News Tonight, ’70s style, with some kind of multiple anchor format, only instead of Peter Jennings, Max Robinson and Frank Reynolds, it’ll be . . . well, that’s not really clear. Possible anchors have included current CBS employees Scott Pelley and former VJ John Roberts . . . whom Canuckleheads of a certain age will always think of as J.D. Roberts.

But of this much we can be sure: Dan Rather is on his way out . . . eventually. Why Dan Rather has remained as the anchor of the Evening News for as long as he has remains a mystery. His being chosen to succeed Walter Cronkite seemed strange when it happened. And the longer Dan did the job, the stranger a decision it seemed. Right at the beginning of his tenure, there was his deeply weird and never explained nightly broadcast-concluding valediction. Rather, apparently, was seeking some kind of signature line on the order of Walter Cronkite’s “And that’s the way it is.” What he came up with was the exhortation, “Courage.” Nobody except Dan knew what led him to choose that; Dan never explained it, and there wasn’t anything in the early 1980s that seemed dire enough to warrant it. (The Iranian hostages were free; Reagan was in the White House, it was “morning in America,” after all, so what was there to be afraid of? There was the Evil Empire, but it wasn’t appreciably scarier than it had been previously. There was a sudden rush of fear-mongering about nuclear vaporization that hadn’t been as prevalent since about 30 years previously. But none of that explained, singly or in aggregate, why people might be so terrified that they’d need to have somebody sternly exhort them to be courageous.) But “Courage” it was . . . at first. Then Dan started to change it up, opting for the Spanish “Cu-rah-hey.” Shortly after that, mercifully, it stopped altogether, just as mystifyingly as it had started.

But that was just one example of Rather-related strangeness. There was the Chicago cab kidnapping: Dan was supposed to interview Studs Terkel, but never showed up for the interview, and said he’d been kidnapped by a rogue taxi driver who wouldn’t let him out of the cab. Dan couldn’t offer anything in the way of identification that might help the cops find or apprehend the alleged perpetrator. There was “Gunga Dan,” when Dan dressed up as a mujahadeen fighter of the kind that — at that time — was fighting the Russians in Afghanistan. He looked like Dan Rather in a not-terribly-convincing Afghan disguise. His speaking English with a Texan accent didn’t help sell the illusion either.

A few years after that, Dan was jumped on the street in New York by a guy who beat him while screeching “What is the frequency, Kenneth?”

There was the tennis tantrum: coverage ran long, Dan got annoyed, stomped off the set, the tennis ended and the network went to black for eight minutes while, doubtless, some poor editorial assistant was dispatched to find Dan and get him wired up and back in his anchor chair. That incident got thrown back in his face by an embattled George H.W. Bush. Dan pressed him on his knowledge of the Iran-Contra situation until George — eager to disprove “wimp” mutterings — snapped, “How would you like it if I judged your career by the eight minutes you walked off the air?” The whole stupid collision made them both look bad.

History and his son have made George H.W. Bush look better and better. Dan Rather just got a little weirder and a little more tarnished with each new year and each new inexplicable spasm of bizarre behavior . . . like his odd descent into a kind of blind alley of bad syntax, tortured metaphor and overwrought Texas folksiness on election night in 2000. The longer the night wore on and the tighter and less obvious the results became, the more baroque and parodic Dan’s descriptions got.

And now he’s all mashed up in this memo mess and headed for retirement. (Although, at 72, it’s not like he’s being shoved out early; he’s already outlasted his predecessor — Walter had to retire at 65.) The biggest irony here is that for once, the bad and/or weird behavior is not Dan’s. In this case, he was just the hapless meat puppet fronting a second-rate attempt to nail George W. Bush on his Texas Air National Guard service or lack thereof. And the people who made the decisions to trust the fake documents, to interview and take at face value all the comments from the cranks with some kind of vindictive ulterior motives are all squawking and refusing to leave, even though the 224-page report indicts them pretty squarely and indisputably. Mary Mapes and her lieutenants feel they’re being unfairly singled out, even though the panel that investigated the whole mess did a much more thorough and careful job investigating their shoddy work and half-assed methods than Mapes et al managed as producers and/or reporters.

All the carping by people on the right about the supposed liberal bias of CBS and Dan Rather has never made much sense, and they’ve never been able to offer anything that seemed convincing as evidence of this bias. Dan Rather’s whole act is so strange and twitchy and wrapped too tight — and has been for so long — that it’s work just trying to parse what obvious, factual points he’s trying to get across, never mind how he might be shading them subtle bias.

Not that a lot of the carping by right-wing types about the media ever makes much sense, and there’s never any concrete evidence. Besides, if Fox News Channel and Ann Coulter are alternatives to liberal bias, I’ll just have to accept liberal bias as part of the package, since apparently being fair and balanced also means being shrill, opinionated and fact-free.

We just had a month of free FNC as part of the cable company’s marketing push. The problem isn’t its tilt or lack thereof, it’s how little actual news it offers. Mostly it’s talk shows, the highest-rated of which is the one fronted by tiresome scold Bill O’Reilly, whose primary rhetorical gambit seems to consist of yelling at people to shut up. The papers from his now-settled sexual harassment lawsuit suggest that when he’s yelling “shut up,” O’Reilly is comparatively eloquent. At least that’s less creepy than the kinds of things he apparently says to producers on whom he has a crush.

I don’t think the Air America all-liberal radio all the time is really the answer, either. As with anything conceived to serve an ideological agenda, it’s dull because it’s predictable; it’s too easy to see where it’s going; it’s like listening to a comedian tell old, badly-written jokes. You know the punch lines will make you groan, and you figure them out long before the comedian gets to them.

The other problem here is what passes for “liberal” and conservative” in most of these considerations. The conservatives appear to be a bunch of meddlesome, moralistic and hypocritical haranguers (O’Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Armstrong Williams, Maggie Gallagher) and the liberals come across like smug, self-satisfied dolts who are naïve and credulous and just as meddlesome and hypocritical.

Why doesn’t P.J. O’Rourke have a talk show? At least he’s reasonably well-informed, curious about things and funny.

But he doesn’t. And unfortunately, that’s the way it is.

Saturday, January 15, 2005

The Delivery Man

I'm enjoying Elvis Costello's most recent standard rock-and-roll record (whatever "rock and roll" means anymore), "The Delivery Man," and, funnily enough, at about 5:00 this afternoon, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" was on CNBC -- a quirk of their schedule and our time zone -- and there was Elvis Costello with the Imposters doing "Monkey To Man," storming through it and showing off his monkey cufflinks in the post-performance interview. I mentioned this to a friend of mine -- another Costello fan of long standing. He said it was "one of those songs that Costello probably writes in his sleep." He meant that as a compliment, and I think I understand it. The record's a good one. I applaud Costello's feints and efforts and aspirations in other directions -- the jazz work, the Brodsky Quartet "Juliet Letters" work, and, although I haven't heard it yet, I imagine "Il Sogno" is probably pretty entertaining, extrapolating from his movie scoring work and his ability with melody. As for "The Delivery Man," God knows it's better than the relentless, formulaic sameness we're getting from just about everybody else. But I do think there's a certain extra something he brings to his "rock and roll" (whatever that means anymore) records, and it's all over this one.

When other people try to simultaneously use all the tropes and conceits of a particular genre -- even if it's only for a single song -- it often seems like an exercise or a project, the self-consciousness, distancing and framing in quotation marks leaches something out of it. Costello's one of the few people who can borrow idioms like some kind of guitar-toting magpie and still make it sound like his understanding of them is deeper than most, and that there's something in the particular form he genuinely needs to express some element of the song they're used in.

(As for Steve Nieve's quoting Bernstein & Sondheim's "I Want To Live In America" in "Button My Lip," well, I don't have any theories or notions or ideas about that, except that there seems to be at least one really obvious musical quotation on every Cosetllo record. And it's amusing, and it works.)

Lucinda Williams is great on this record. I don't know anything else she's done. Also, I think I was confusing her with Gillian Welch. Or, at least, I did until I saw Gillian Welch on "Austin City Limits." I don't think I'll confuse Gilliam Welch with anybody else again; her dreary, lugubrious moaning makes Leonard Cohen sound like Iggy Pop. I kept flipping back to the show as I continued channel surfing, just in case Welch livened things up and maybe my initial glimpse had been at a particularly downbeat point. Nope.

I'm as much a fan of moaning, spooky hillbilly murder ballads as the next person. But when it's so obviously a fake-out pose glommed onto by someone whose entire knowledge of the idiom and its history seems to have come from a college course in "American Folk Art: Naivete as Metaphor," it's hard to connect with. It's part of a tradition, no question. But not the tradition it wants to be a part of. Instead, it's part of the perpetually adolescent miserablist tradition -- Nick Cave and countless others -- whose "sadness" seems like a marketing gimmick or a pose they struck that they kept at so persistently they forgot it was a pose. They failed to heed the warning that if they kept making that face it'd get stuck like that.

I used to think I was insufficiently deep or mature or somehow insufficiently equipped to connect with their terrible mopery. Now I realize that in fact I was no longer sufficiently adolescent to have much appreciation for self-dramatizing bogus world-weariness. I keep thinking of that observation Ben Folds made: "What's Billy Corgan got to be depressed about? He's a white upper-middle-class kid who grew up in the suburbs of Chicago. Stevie Wonder has been blind since he was a child, grew up poor in Detroit, and makes the most joyful music possible."

Not that we're singling out poor old Gillian Welch or whoever she is. She just came to mind because of the Lucinda Williams confusion. There are plenty of other examples. A local example who leaps to mind . . . well, that's not really accurate, since it's impossible to imagine him leaping anywhere . . . is Herald "Of Course That's Your Real Name" Nix, who's just released his second album, a mere seven years after his first one -- no point saturating the market or creating a glut of Nixiana. I happened across Herald mumbling his tuneless, one-chord moans on the local cable access channel. Imagine Ed Gein doing a really bad Chris Isaak imitation . . . with two fewer chords . . . and about two minutes longer than necessary. Hey, if you come up with some cliched refrain, you're not really getting your money's worth unless you repeat it about at least 44 times. Watching Herald's performance, I felt worst for his sidemen. The audience wanted to endure Nix noise for whatever unfathomable reason. But the sidemen had to play the one-chord drear through all its interminable tedium. I guess it might be possible to just get into the zen minimalist meditative repetition of it all, but I doubt it.

I prefer my poignant or self-pitying sad songs from the jazz canon: Rodgers & Hart, for example. Or Billy Strayhorn.

I have a similar problem with British rap. The Stereophonics? Feh. The Streets? Please. It's all too fake to even be considered as any kind of expression, and its fakeness obscures any artistic aspirations its perpetrator might have . . . like not-quite-good-enough-actors not quite managing to do a convincing American accent, or Kenneth Branagh pretending to be Woody Allen in "Celebrity."

besides, if you want British rap, why go through the circuitous route of listening to British folks try to imitate an African-American artform they don't seem to be able to do well, for whatever reason? You want British rap? It's been around for about the same time as real rap.

Please stand up and take a bow from the Great Hereafter, Ian Dury.

Saturday, January 08, 2005

Post-Christmas pulp; post-modern pulp

The neighbors' Christmas tree is gone. We dragged it two blocks along the street and then past Kitsilano Pool -- frozen, with a flock of confused and vaguely embarrassed-looking seagulls standing around on the ice, as though they knew something was wrong, but couldn't figure out exactly what. Then past the closed concession stand and the Wind Swimmer statue on top of its pole overlooking the pool, across the expanse of field where there are usually knots of people either playing soccer, throwing a football around, hurling Frisbees or, of course, that inexplicable Hacky-Sack thing, which always makes them look like a bunch of sadists trying to tease a bean-bag to death . . . or maybe bore it into submission. Hacky-Sacking ("hackying?") must be great if you're stoned; it looks astoundingly boring otherwise.

A big yellow chipper in the parking lot next to the beach gulped denuded Christmas trees and spewed their chewed remains into a bin on the back of a truck. The folks running it were right in the middle of a pulping round when we approached. Henry and Spencer both stared as the trees were fed into the blades at the back and almost instantly came firing out of the mouth of the spout on the top of the thing in a gout of dark green peppered with blond wood chunks. I kept thinking about Steve Buscemi's character in "Fargo," with Marge Gunderson saying, "and that must've been your accomplice in the wood-chipper . . . and those three people in Brainerd . . . and all for a little bit of money . . ."

There was lull in the tree-shredding: they powered the chipper down and waited for more cars to come creeping into the snowy parking lot and leave another object of pagan worship on the pile. It wasn't clear how big the pile had to be before there were enough accumulated saplings to fire the chipper up again. But the drop in traffic and the few trees in the existing pile seemed to indicate they wouldn't be firing it up again any time soon. So we stomped through the snow to Starbucks for a hot chocolate (for those five and under), coffee (for those over five).

After that we went back to the chipper just in time to watch them zap through a pile of Christmas trees that was about the size of a minivan and a half. Then it was back home, with a lot of snowball-throwing and marveling at the people running a sailing race in the snow on English Bay and considering how exotic this kind of thing seems here. Snow down here next to the water seldom happens. And this kind of winter -- the kind with snow -- lasts about a week or ten days here . . . at least, that's what it did last year. Compare that with the Toronto winters we're used to, the ones that start in late November and conclude sometime in early May, and which are memorable for a couple of perennial features: the endless weeks of gray, slushy drear, the cold snaps whose temperatures make your face hurt when you step outside and are usually accompanied by brilliant sunshine, and the false dawn of a thaw in January or February that melts everything just enough to encase everything in an impenetrable carapace of ice several inches thick.

Here, it's gray and rainy with this bout of "winter" in the middle -- usually just long enough to make you glad it'll be gone in a week instead of hanging around until the end of April . . .

After the tree was done with and we'd had a bunch of snowball fights and were sufficiently wet and cold, we returned here. I finished reading a rotten novel called "L9.99" (you'll have to view that capital L as a British "pound" symbol) by Frederic Beigbeder (originally titled "99 francs," and listed in some places as "L6.99," which seems to have been somebody's idea of a joke, as though it had been reduced in price). When you're reading a good novel, it gains heft; the characters come into sharper focus and the world in which it occurs gets realer because of the accretion of detail and description. "L9.99" does the opposite. The more of it I read, the less real and believable and plausible the characters got, until, by the end of the story, they were inane caricatures who'd become so annoying you couldn't wait for them to completely disappear.

The book is an achievement. It's not often you find the adolescent dingbat politics and superficial lack of understanding of Naomi Klein or Adbusters fused to the clumsy, affectless McDonald's-menu prose style of Bret Easton Ellis in service of the blindingly obvious apercus of Baudrillard, complete with the French habit of overthinking and over-analyzing some aspect of pop-culture ephemera and coming to conclusions that are so bizarrely and deeply wrong they're laughable . . . and all of it leading to the astounding revelation that some aspects of advertising business are not terribly deep or sufficiently selfless and/or noble. Wow. This is all marketed, of course, with the breathless excitement of encountering someone with the fearless ability to speak truth to power. And the fact that M. Beigbeder (or, as I've come to think of him fondly, "Monsieur Bagbiter") used to work for Young & Rubicam and got fired when his boss read the book is held up as proof of its worth and his bona fides. It's implied that the firing was occasioned by Beigbeder's "telling it like it is," but it seems more likely that his boss just fired him because the book was bad. "Sorry, Fred, we can't have anybody who'd write anything this bad working here. What will our clients think? What will other agencies think?" Or, even more likely, Bagbiter was an annoying wiener, and his dumb-ass "book" provided the perfect pretext for getting rid of him.

The British publisher decided it'd be a good idea to translate not just the language -- from French to English -- but the references and "signifiers" from French to English as well. Why stop there? Why couldn't translator Adriana Hunter couldn't have come up with a better plot, chopped out the embarrassing passage wherein every famous person who's died since World War II is posited to have faked their demise in order to live in some post-lapsarian state of cosseted indulgence on an island in the Caymans, cut about 75 pages and fixed things like the misspelling of Paula Porizkova's name and the misattributed and misquoted song lyrics? (And that's a much worse sin in something striving for some kind of hipster doofus cachet, like this book, than it might be elsewhere.)

In addition to those problems, the book seems almost quaintly dated. Published in 2000, it's got that whiff of pretty minor, inane concerns being inflated to the level of real problems: "oh, dear . . . advertising is everywhere . . . and, um, well, it's probably bad, because, um, it isn't good, right?"

But that was only the start. After 9/11, an event one might have hoped would make people who write books like this stop writing books like this, Beigbeder wrote "Windows On The World," in which he imagined the attacks from inside the towers. He said the media's presentation of the attacks was too clinical and sanitized, and that the only way to know what truly happened was to invent it. Wrong, wrong and wrong. I can only guess he was talking about the French media's reporting, since that was not the case here in North America . . . and one of the most detailed and heartbreaking aspects of the reporting on that cataclysm was a French documentary ("9/11"), which I guess he wasn't aware of, either. Or maybe they didn't show it on TV in France.

The excerpts of "Windows on The World" I read offered more of the same tired, adolescent tedium that's Beigbeder's standard product, and for which there must be an inexhaustible appetite somewhere: "clueless French intellectual pontificating about 'American cultural imperialism' and the hollow pointlessness of modern existence while decrying some cartoon version of capitalism that no actual capitalist would recognize." Apparently there's no human experience -- no matter how shattering, life-altering or terrible to contemplate -- that can't be grist for an "explanation" of its "real meaning" by some ideology-damaged European "intellectual." Maybe if we had smart, well-written, intelligently conceived and elegantly argued cultural commentary from people who bothered to try to be be informed or engaging instead of the kind of self-important, noisome, empty sloganeering scribbled by people like Frederic Beigbeder to consider, that wouldn't be such a big problem, now, would it?

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Whither Whit?

Just concluded watching “Barcelona,” Whit Stillman’s 1994 (?) picture, the second in his trilogy. (The first was “Metropolitan,” the third was “The Last Days of Disco”) again. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen the picture now. At least six, but probably more.

Back when “Metropolitan” came out, somebody (probably Vincent Canby -- that would make sense, although it may not be accurate) compared him to Woody Allen, and that’s kind of accurate, or at least there are rough but appreciable analogies between them: there are moral considerations bedeviling their characters, there’s a lot of dialogue; it’s beautifully crafted, eminently quotable and more often than not, both writer/directors’ characters say things we would like to have the presence of mind to say in similar situations. But there are differences. Where Allen tended -- at least through the middle of his career -- to split his artistic aspirations between funny, sharply observed romantic comedies that also served as a kind of anthropology of a certain stratum of Manhattan society and heavier, dead-serious pictures such as "Interiors" or "Another Woman," Stillman showed himself as somebody who wanted to get those two things into the same picture: the sharply observed elements of the human comedy together with pretty serious emotional territory, although more often in situations where moral quandaries were determining romantic conduct and outcomes. And there was the wistful aspect to Stillman’s work that was absent in Allen’s movies. The young people in “Metropolitan” have convinced themselves that they’ve just arrived at the party moments too late . . . which is funnier because the whole movie is about what happens after they leave the parties they’re ostensibly getting together to attend; they frequently eulogize the fading world they inhabit, lamenting the fact there won’t be many -- or any -- more orgy weeks or debutante seasons soon, and about how the whole “UHB” -- “urban haute bourgeoisie” -- is doomed.

“Barcelona” moves that further, with the Boynton cousins, Ted (Taylor Nichols) and Fred (Chris Eigeman) in a kind of moral/familial conflict and tension, played out in the conflict of sexual politics, moral/romantic questions, and politically motivated violence. Again, a world or moral framework is collapsing or fading or giving way. In the case of Barcelona, it’s the Cold War, which is just about to end, and although it’s never explicitly stated, the picture is suffused with the knowledge that all the pegs and benchmarks and points of the moral and political compasses are disappearing. Every scene in the picture is telling, the performances are brilliant and the writing is tremendous.

Another few years went by, and along came the equally brilliant “The Last Days of Disco,” the story of which occurs between those of “Metropolitan” and “Barcelona.” Once again, a terrific story, a brilliant balance between the internal, moral conflicts and the larger, social and legal ones. And since then, what? Stillman bought some time with the novel of “The Last Days of Disco,” which was entertaining and well-crafted enough. But for Stillman, it almost seemed like a step backwards -- and that’s not something I say lightly. I’d think that in a lot of ways it’s tougher to write a novel than make movies -- although it’s probably easier if we mean “making movies” here the way Stillman makes them, writing, producing and directing. The novel did offer more insight into some of the characters -- most notably, obviously, Jimmy Steinway, the dancing ad man. But the movie offered insight into the character of the social scene, the milieu (for want of a better term) and the differences between the changes people thought were happening in social mores and the unchanging, universal elements that are remarkably resistant to change. There’s another point of conflict. And once again, we’re dealing with a subculture or a world that’s disappearing: it’s the last days of disco, remember. And the opening title card sets the time as “the very early eighties.”

The appreciation for Stillman’s work is sincere, but edged with selfishness. Why hasn’t he kept going? There was talk of his writing and directing a picture called, I think, “The Red Azalea” about the Cultural Revolution in China. But for whatever reason, that never seems to have happened. And there were directing stints on “Homicide: Life on the Street.” But what else? An d why not? It doesn’t seem unreasonable to think that there could have been other, more practical parallels with Woody Allen. The budgets for Stillman’s pictures must be pretty modest and reasonable. They can’t have been expensive to make, at least compared with some of the bloated swords and sandals historical epics that seem to have rolled by . . . okay, I can only think of two: “Troy” and “Alexander the Great.” What I can’t think of is why anybody would want to sit through either one. In the first instance, you’ve got Brad Pitt woefully miscast as an ancient Texan warrior fighting bravely to affect a British accent so the proceedings will seem more “historical,” and the other is directed by Oliver Stone, whose last not-entirely-unwatchable movie was . . . well, “JFK” was execrable revisionist/paranoid twaddle, and has there been anything since then that anybody would have bothered renting?

So how come Woody Allen comes out with a picture every fall almost as reliably as Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade and Whit Stillman seems to be on a once-every-five years schedule? Stillman has said he writes slowly, that it takes him a lot longer to get a screenplay he’s satisfied with than it seems to take anybody else. And his directing and producing the pictures probably adds to the amount of time it takes to get them made. But still, from a purely selfish perspective, it’s way too long since there’s been a Whit Stillman movie, even allowing for the established five-year interval between pictures . . . unless, of course, one is imminent and I’m just not aware of it.

I always thought that if ever anybody were going to adapt any of Salinger’s work for the movies, Stillman would probably be the best choice. Hey, now I’m really reaching. And why not? If Stillman isn’t going to make any movies of his own screenplays or stories, then why shouldn’t we look for material he can work on? Not that anybody’s going to let any movies get made of anything J.D. Salinger has written, at least not while Jerome is alive. And I’m sure there’s some fearsome codicil made out of pig-iron and welded onto his will specifically prohibiting any literary executors from selling the movie rights to his work until . . . well, probably ever.

But, what the hell, Whit, why not drive up to New Hampshire and lean on Jerome? There might be enough similarities between your esthetics and the characters you’ve created that you could make it happen.

Then again, the night before watching “Barcelona,” we watched “Withnail and I,” and what else has writer/director Bruce Robinson done since making that in 1986? What else has he needed to do? And maybe that’s the way it is with Stillman. Having made “Metropolitan,” “Barcelona,” and “The Last Days of Disco,” what else does he have to do?

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Breakfast With Hunter

Wayne Ewing’s 2003 documentary Breakfast With Hunter is a portrait of a baffling cultural and literary presence that's truthful and respectful at the same time. In most instances, you might expect those two things to be mutually exclusive. But not always, and not in this case.

Shot over the course of 1996 through 1998, it covers the publication of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas in the Modern Library edition, the 25th anniversary of the publication of Fear and Loathing: On The Campaign Trail ’72, the making of the movie version of Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas, some kind of Hunter Thompson Appreciation Day in Louisville and a DUI case with questionable evidentiary and procedural issues in Aspen.

I’ve been a fan of Doctor Thompson’s work for about 30 years. I was 14 when I first read Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas, which knocked me out, and not because of the drug intake or the any of the reasons people usually seem to glom onto Thompson’s work — many of them the same reasons you’d expect a 14-year-old boy to get a kick out of it. It was the writing: the vivid, visceral impact and poetry of the words. But it made its point without any kind of tenderness or sentimentality. By the time Raoul Duke staggers into some kind of redemption, it’s filthy and tattered; ragged and compromised, and it only counts as redemption because it’s mere survival . . . which doesn’t seem like much. But when destruction is the only other alternative, survival looks like victory. The impact of that book was visceral and cerebral all at once. Who didn’t want to drive to Las Vegas after reading that book, with or without the alcohol, drugs, disruptive intention and burning outrage?

And I guess a lot of people didn’t need more than that book. Not me. I had to read everything, of course, starting with Hell’s Angels and right on through everything else — the Rolling Stone work, all the collected stuff in The Great Shark Hunt and as much as I could find outside of the hardcover offerings, including things that hadn’t been collected at that point — the 1967 piece for the New York Times Magazine about Haight-Ashbury, for example, along with everything else listed in the bibliography of works in the back of Shark Hunt. There was also the Craig Vetter Playboy interview . . . from 1974, I think, while Thompson was still riding high following Campaign Trail ’72.

One of the things that all that reading confirmed was what a tremendous reporter Thompson was, and, I guess, what an excellent reporter he still is, although there seems to be a lot less reporting now than there used to be; it’s not something he does as much now. And even when he was reporting, there was always a clearly defined point of view. But the stuff for the National Observer from all over South America offers one example after another of deep insight and the kind of understanding that can only be gained from going to a place and talking to the people there, as well as really working hard to analyze everything you see and hear, as well as working to synthesize it with a lot of other knowledge and wisdom. As he’s said, he became a journalist because it was a way for somebody who wanted to be a writer to earn a living. And Thompson was a writer from a very early age. As he says in Ewing’s film, it was the only thing he knew he could do that wasn’t against the law. And now that The Rum Diary has been published some forty years after it was written, maybe somebody will publish Prince Jellyfish, since the excerpt of it that was in Songs of the Doomed shows it to be polished, evocative and finely wrought. And if they could published The Neon Bible, which John Kennedy Toole wrote when he was sixteen . . . and then make a movie out of it, well why not Prince Jellyfish? Unlike a lot of other fiction I stagger through these days, once I got to the end of the excerpt, I wanted to read more. I don’t know if that’s the novel he was working on in that cabin in Cuddebackville in upstate New York, after being fried from the Middletown Daily Record or not. But given the quality of work in the two volumes of letters, The Rum Diary and just about everything else (with the exception of Better Than Sex, which is a low point and may be nothing more than a day-late-dollar-short effort to keep lawyers and contracts from crushing him — I don’t know) that’s come out of his typewriter and/or pen, I’d be happy to see everything he’s ever written collected and/or published properly. He’s written at a very high level from the get-go: his membership in Louisville’s literary society, for one thing, in addition to the well-documented practice of writing out pages of Hemingway and Fitzgerald prose as part of an effort to understand their techniques and “rhythms.”

The writing’s all been vivid, and because of that it’s easy to see why there’s been a drive to bring it to the screen. But that’s been as fraught as his Thompson’s publishing history (especially as detailed in Fear and Loathing In America, the second volume of letters.) Part of the problem with the movie work, though, seems to have been — as in a lot of other places and times, and with a lot of other people — confusing the author with the work; Thompson has probably had more trouble and more well-meaning stupidity perpetrated on his behalf by people who thought they were doing him a favor than just about any other writer I can think of. Well, Hemingway, maybe. But even that’s a stretch.

First, there Where The Buffalo Roam, in which Bill Murray does a reasonably good Thompson imitation, but which is more of a caricature that serves the demands — such as they are — of the picture’s lousy screenplay. Murray only has to be a caricature because that’s all the Thompson character is in Buffalo. The picture’s rotten script made no sense and must have pissed off anybody who’d read any of the books or any of Thompson’s work. Whichever coke-addled blowdog wrote the screenplay had taken the least salient aspects of a dozen passages from Thompson’s writing, mashed them together with adulterated, clumsily fictionalized anecdotes from Thompson’s life, and then torqued everything even further for reasons that can’t even be guessed at. Did it seem as though Thompson’s life and work lacked drama, or as though the material required hyping or punching up? The point in Buffalo where Thompson encounters Richard Nixon in a hotel bathroom is a confluence of two incidents: one in Campaign Trail ’72 where Thompson is in Manchester, New Hampshire for that state’s Democratic primary and happens to look up from a urinal in a men’s room (maybe at the Exeter Inn, but I’m not going to look it up right now) and finds senator George McGovern at the next urinal, and the second is a story about Richard Nixon from 1968 (also in New Hampshire, which is the only thing the two stories have in common) in which Thompson is pressed into service to take a car trip with Nixon because “the boss” wants to relax and talk football and Thompson is the only person who knows anything about the subject. The passage occurs in a magazine story about Nixon’s recasting himself yet again in order to serve his monumental — some would say monstrous — political ambition. It’s in Shark Hunt. And both cases are in their respective original places for very specific narrative reasons. In the first instance, Thompson is trying to demonstrate the lack of artifice and expectation around McGovern and his campaign at the beginning of the 1972 primary season (everybody was certain Ed Muskie was going to prevail and that McGovern would be a footnote, at best). The Nixon story comes at a point where Thompson has become convinced that there is nothing to Nixon except ambition. There are no ideals or philosophy or beliefs or goals, except to get elected. Talking about football with him humanizes him unexpectedly, and one of the things the sequence does is to (a) demonstrate that Nixon is not evil, and (b) what politics and lust for power can do to people. To mash those two things together in that preposterous sequence in Buffalo is just idiotic, which is just one of the reasons the movie didn’t — and doesn’t — work: the entire picture is a string of those kinds of false, hollow skits, crude cartoons that would satisfy only people who’d read Las Vegas and missed its point . . . and probably not even them.

It’s easy to see why nobody went near anything else with Thompson’s name on it for 20 years. The stench of Buffalo would have been enough to keep even the most stouthearted, determined Thompson fanatics away from his work.

Not that other people weren’t still trying to make it happen. There’s a sequence in Breakfast where Alex Cox and a screenwriter visit Thompson to talk about their vision for the thing and we watch the project fall apart because they want to depict the metaphor of the wave of the 1960s San Francisco cultural foment breaking literally, and to conflate it with Thompson’s aborted escape midway through the story: They want to have him go to the airport after the Fabulous Mint 400, get on a plane and then get hit by an actual wave instead of trying to drive back to Los Angeles and getting stopped by the cop. Thompson accuses them — rightly — of turning something he considers poetry into a cartoon. As the argument escalates, it becomes clearer that Cox and his cohort are really a lot more interested in making an animated version of Ralph Steadman’s drawings for the book than the book itself. Thompson kicks them out of his house, calls the producer trying to put the movie together and barks threats at her.

It’s good he prevailed, because Terry Gilliam did a terrific job making the movie. The only part that didn’t make any sense was the Gary Busey come-on in the mid-story cop sequence. But everything else was so faithful to the work and did such a good job of translating it that it’s possible to forgive that lapse, tiny as it is. And all the sequences in the documentary illustrate perfectly the weird oxymoron that working with Thompson must be: he's passionate in defending his work, passionate in a way we would hope anybody committed to their work would be. But there are also quirks that make you think about what it must mean to be Thompson's collaborator or editor or co-conspirator and think how tough that job must be.

One of the excellent supplements on the Breakfast With Hunter DVD is a two-part conversation between Thompson and P.J. O’Rourke. At one point in the first half of the conversation, O’Rourke asks Thompson about how he feels about his influence — specifically the negative aspects of it, about the thousands of godawful pages of derivative garbage scribbled by the countless scores of Thompson fans who have tried to write like him. Thompson — rightly — won’t take the blame for other people’s bad writing, although he’s clearly aware of it. Hell, a lot of that bad writing has probably been forced on him, mailed to him, faxed or pushed at him at book signings. The second part of the interview is O’Rourke’s reading the end of Fear and Loathing, with Raoul Duke reeling through the airport, yelling at Marines and ending with his description of himself as “a Man on the Move, and just sick enough to be totally confident.”

You come away from Ewing’s movie with a much better idea of who Thompson is and what he’s like to deal with. The three biographies didn’t really get that across as well: one didn’t bother trying; one was just an agglomeration of interview transcripts. Peter Whitmer’s book came closest. But in this movie, you can see that Hunter Thompson is who he is, was who he was long before he was made to join the Air Force to avoid jail, was who he was through all the later adulation and the early years of anonymity and struggle. Go back and read “Burial At Sea” and everything’s there: all the elements of his worldview, the distinguishing characteristics of his prose; his style, basically. Read through the letters — particularly those in the first volume, Proud Highway and it’s all there, too.

The nickel-a-throw cheap-and-easy psychological explanation probably has something to do with mistrust of the world, being angry at it and not wanting to get too close to it for a lot of reasons that make sense for the writing and the making of art, but which must always have made Dr. Thompson very tough to get along with for anybody who had to do that regularly — his friends, family, co-workers and others. But for every kind of cheap scolding a person could come up with, citing Thompson’s deviation from social norms and niceties, you have to ask yourself about what modifying his conduct would have meant for his work, because over the course of the picture, Ewing makes it clear that it’s all part of a single package, that you can’t get the poetry and the outrage and the insight without the outrageousness . . . or, if you prefer, the “special requirements.” It’s not as though the brilliance is an excuse for the behavior, but at least some of the people with whom Thompson has clashed or closed to struggled must have felt it was worth it, since they’ve continued to publish his work and to encourage him to do what he does . . . which means, of course, being who he is . . . for good or ill, as the doctor himself might say. And thank God for that. The movie is a fascinating portrait and a real through-provoking piece of work for anybody who’s ever enjoyed Thompson’s work for any reason, right or wrong.

Friday, December 31, 2004

Coldplay: dull and three chords short of a melody

Coldplay came and went and I didn't pay much attention. Didn't hear anything worth listening to. It was boring. But in a video rental place last week, a Coldplay concert DVD or something happened to be playing on the monitors and through the store's sound system, so why not?

Coldplay are the “dogfood-and-downers” equivalent to the “meant-to-be-stimulating” self-righteousness assault perpetrated by U2. There are a lot of similarities: every song seems to consist of not very interesting lyrics formed around a refrain which is the title or a related phrase repeated ad nauseam, two chords which, if they were put into a sequence with three or four more might be enough for a decent three-minute pop song, but which are not. Add some mopey attitude and trudge through the lyrics as though they’re being exhaled by dint of massive effort by a 19th-century consumptive self-styled romantic, and you’ve got a worldwide smash.

This reads as though I’m some kind of cranky old guy. But the problem is not the novelty or unfamiliarity of this material and my inability to understand its relevance to the average concerned young person today. It’s the godawful derivative familiarity of it. Each new U2 record sounds like every other old U2 record. A lot of other things sound stale and familiar the first time you encounter them. It’s not a good situation to hear something for the first time and think, “Hmph . . .this again.” Coldplay are exactly like just about other one of those self-consciously low-key, quiet outfits that seemed to proliferate about 20 years ago, after punk had flamed out and collapsed into this weird hothouse thing that a comparatively tiny group of obsessives kept going like some leather-clad cargo cult.

It was right about the time Ian Curtis killed himself. Half the people you knew were listening to just plain bad, deliberately bad out-of tune noise like The Fall, Nick Cave and Einsturzende Neubauten, the other half were listening to pointedly polite people like Sade and Durutti Column. I should be able to think of other examples of that kind of thing, but I can’t. Hell, I think I probably spelled “Einsturznede Neubauten” wrong (I know there's supposed to be an ulmaut over the "u" in "einsturzende," for one thing). But you know the kind of thing I’m talking about. Was that the same time the pejorative term “rockist” started turning up in reviews in publications like The Face and the NME?

It seems like that was just before people noticed this “rap” or “hip-hop” stuff coming out of New York, which knocked all that overly intellectualized parsing of tinier and tinier slices of musical sub-genres and capillary hybrids off the table . . . for a while at least . . . until people started playing this Irish band called U2 and asking eagerly for your assent that in fact U2 were just so great . . . weren’t they?

How to disgruntle an anemic bum.

How about dismantling U2 and leaving them dismantled for 2005 and beyond? Can we do that? Their one-chord-per-song bombast was overbearing crap when it was post-punk adolescent posturing. The solemnity of the marketing that attended the release of The Joshua Tree was worse. Then came the self-serious crapulence of Rattle and Hum (and why wasn’t there a sequel, Hum and Hummer?) wherein Paul Hewson and David Evans hoped to introduce a generation of people to musical titans and genres that fell outside the confines of, well, overbearing, adolescent hectoring with a single chord per song. But they just keep grinding onward. Cancuklehead video channel MuchMusic has been running promos nonstop for a special “exclusive” interview with Hewson and drummer Larry Mullen, Junior about this latest record, which will sound exactly like every other record before it and exactly like the hundreds still to come, each of which will sound like every other U2 record.

U2 in general — and Bono, Holy Bono in particular — try so hard to be good, to be with it, to be groovy and politically correct and on the side of good. But their work is to music what McDonald’s is to food. They make the same thing over and over and over again, which is probably why a lot of people like it: it will never surprise or shock or take an unexpected turn. Maybe musical theorists who appreciate the work of people like Philip Glass and Steve Reich get a kick out of U2. Their career has been like Reich or Glass pieces that go on for twenty or thirty minutes and in which single notes in a chord sequence are changed one by one. By the time you get to the end of the piece, the “deedle-a, deedle-a-deedle-a” in, say, A flat major has mutated into “doodle-a-weedle-a” in D minor or something. Maybe that’s what U2’s doing: releasing the same record with the same songs on it, but changed so imperceptibly that at the end of their 30-year project, the record will be different from their first.

But don’t bet on much difference. That U2 will be releasing another record identical to the dozens that preceded it thirty years after they started, I expect.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Derrida deconstructed

Eager student accidentally makes baffling French bloviator disappear by proving he doesn't exist

Jacques Derrida, the Algerian-born French intellectual who became one of the most celebrated and notoriously irksome philosophers of the late 20th century, seemed to cease to exist on or about Friday, October 8 at a Paris hospital, the French president’s office announced. He was 74.

The cause of death was initially thought to be pancreatic cancer, according to French television, The Associated Press reported. The Modern Language Association and the Chronicle of Higher Education contended that Derrida’s refusal to allow the signifier to suffer coincidence with its signified might have done him in. Somebody said maybe Hilton Kramer shot him with the canon.
However, it turned out that a sophomore English student at Ohio State had inadvertently proven that Mr. Derrida did not, in fact, exist while trying to simultaneously make sense of and deconstruct “Of Grammatology,” Mr. Derrida’s intensive study aimed at finding out what his grandmother was really like. When that happened, the goofy-looking deep thinker suddenly disappeared.

The student, whose name, being nothing more than a random collection of meaningless phonemes commonly agreed to confer and signify status and the perpetuation of a patriarchal system of bourgeois primogeniture, is immaterial, said he felt “kinda bad” about having made Mr. Derrida disappear suddenly in a puff of acrid Gauloise smoke. He has been offered full professorships at numerous university English departments, and preparations continue for a tickertape parade in his honor, paid for by everybody who ever had to listen to some deconstruction-addled sophomore yammering about how nothing means anything because some French guy said so.

Mr. Derrida was known as the father of deconstruction, as well as its mother, a “mother,” a bad mother (shut your mouth) and its orphan. It was a method of securing tenure that asserted that all writing was full of confusion and contradiction, and that the author’s intent could not overcome the inherent contradictions of language itself, robbing texts — whether literature, history, philosophy or Walter Scott’s “Personality Parade” in the Sunday paper — of truthfulness, absolute meaning and permanence. Read a paragraph of Mr. Derrida’s baffling, tortured, tautological plafoodoo and you’ll get a sense of what that means. The concept was eventually applied to the whole gamut of arts and social sciences, including linguistics, anthropology, political science, even architecture but most especially to anything that was suspected of having been written or read by a Caucasian male, especially a dead Caucasian male.

While he had a huge following — larger in the United States (where his rookie card is now worth four dollars) than in Europe — Mr. Derrida was the target of as much teasing and derisive hooting as admiration. For many Americans, in particular, he was the personification of a French school of thinking they felt was undermining many of the traditional standards of classical education, despite the fact it was never remotely cogent or intelligible enough to do that. They also did not like its excessive snootiness, nor did they care for its claims of association with divisive political causes which were almost universally nothing more than standard-issue sophomoric flirtations with introductory Marxism. The fact deconstruction made absolutely no sense and could not be defined or explained on even the most rudimentary level by anybody was just icing on the textual cake.

Literary critics broke texts into isolated passages and phrases to find hidden meanings using a little hammer and several sets of special tweezers and rat-tail combs as well as oyster forks before forcing the resulting mushy residue through several used coffee filters. Many of the meanings they found were so well hidden that nobody had noticed them during centuries of close reading and analysis. For the deconstructionists, that process became particularly important if anything outside that paragraph didn’t match the wishful, fictional subverted “meaning” they ascribed to the tiny slice they’d chosen to focus their laser-like powers of credulity on. This happened just about the time people were pretty much convinced there couldn’t possibly be anything more ridiculous than semiotics. Boy, were they wrong. Advocates of feminism, gay rights, and third-world causes embraced the method as an instrument to reveal the prejudices and inconsistencies of Plato, Aristotle, Shakespeare, Freud and other “dead white male” icons of Western culture. Architects and designers could claim to take a “deconstructionist” approach to buildings by abandoning traditional symmetry and creating zigzaggy, sometimes disquieting, annoying or just plain butt-ugly spaces. The filmmaker Woody Allen titled one of his movies “Deconstructing Harry,” to suggest that his protagonist could best be understood by breaking down and analyzing his neurotic contradictions. Or maybe just to shoehorn a briefly trendy word into a movie title in order to mock it. Or maybe not.

Toward the end of the 20th century, deconstruction became a code word of intellectual discourse, much as existentialism and structuralism — two other fashionable, slippery philosophies that also emerged from France after World War II like a gaseous bubble out of too much thick, heavy cream sauce — had been before it. Mr. Derrida and his followers were unwilling — some say “couldn’t be bothered” — to define deconstruction with any precision or even in a half-assed sloppy way, so it has remained misunderstood, or interpreted in endlessly contradictory ways, all of which suited the deconstructionists just fine, since they always hoped somebody would just stumble on a definition and blurt out something they could use. But that never happened.

Typical of Mr. Derrida’s murky explanations of his philosophy was a 1993 paper he presented at the Benjamin N. Cardozo School of Law, in New York, which began: “Needless to say, one more time, deconstruction, if there is such a thing, takes place as the experience of the impossible. Or the impossibility of experience. Or maybe it doesn’t. I’m really not sure. And don’t hold me to that assertion that I’m not sure, because I might not be any too sure about that, either. Unless I am, but that’s subject to interpretation. Unless it isn’t. Maybe. Oh wow. Have you ever really, like, looked at your hands, man?”

Mr. Derrida was a prolific writer, but his 40-plus books on various aspects of deconstruction didn’t make a lot of sense. However, they were certainly thick, both in the sense of “having many pages” and in the sense of “obtuse.” Even some of their titles — “Of Grammatology,” “The Postcard: From Socrates to Freud and Beyond,” “Ulysses Gramophone: Hear Say Yes in Joyce,” “Papa Oom Mow Mow: Funniest Sound I Ever Heard,” “Louie Lou-eye, Oh Baby, We Gotta Go Now,” “Gabba Gabba Hey,” “Bomp Buh Buh Bomp, De Dang De Dang-Dang, De Ding De Dong Ding, Blue Moon,” “Everybody Knows That the Bird Is The Word,” “Who Put the Bomp In The Bomp-Shoo Bomp-Shoo Bomp; Who Put The Ram In the Rama Lama Ding Dong?,” “Marvel Spectacular Superstar Battle Royal: Hulk vs. Thing” — could be off-putting to the uninitiated, the initiated, and initially.

“Many otherwise unmalicious people have in fact been guilty of wishing for deconstruction’s demise — if only to relieve themselves of the burden of trying to understand it,” Mitchell Stephens, a journalism professor at New York University, wrote in a 1994 article in The New York Times Magazine. Now, thanks to a zealous little grind at Ohio State, it would seem that has finally come to pass, although the fact that Derrida is dead means there will probably be even more contention and faculty-lounge squabbling over his jumbled legacy of half-baked yawp.

Mr. Derrida’s credibility, such as it was, was also damaged by a 1987 scandal involving Paul de Man, a Yale University professor who was the most acclaimed exponent of deconstruction in the United States and the origin of the phrase, “you de Man,” a term of approbation from Yale undergraduates whenever one of their number said something particularly confusing, annoying or meaningless. Four years after Mr. de Man’s death, it turned out he was a Nazi who’d written a thick wad of pro-Nazi articles for a Nazi newspaper in Belgium while it was under German occupation during World War II. In defending his dead colleague, Mr. Derrida was understood by some people to be condoning Mr. de Man’s anti-Semitism. In fact, he was sharing it, not condoning it.

Nonetheless, during the 1970’s and 1980’s, Mr. Derrida’s “writings” and lectures gained him a huge following in major American universities at a time when heavy recreational drug use was common among both students and faculty. Mr. Derrida proved far more influential in the United States than in France. Go figure. For young, ambitious professors, his teachings became a gold-plated ticket to tenure. For many students, deconstruction was a rite of passage into the world of rebellious intellect. For many more, it was a king-size load of industrial-strength bullshit they were powerless to avoid. Its pervasiveness, combined with the demand of every English department that they either swallow the Kool-Aid or get off the bus made it impossible to get away from, no matter how hard they tried.

Jacques Derrida was hatched on July 15, 1930, in El-Biar, Algeria. His father was a salesman. His mother was dismayed. Even as a teenager, Mr. Derrida was a voracious reader whose eclectic interests embraced the philosophers Jean-Jacques Rousseau and Friedrich Nietzsche, Albert Camus, and the poet Paul Valéry. Unfortunately, although he read widely, he did not understand anything he read.

He failed his baccalaureate in his first attempt. He twice failed his entrance exam to the École Normal Supérieure, the traditional cradle of French intellectuals, where he was finally admitted in 1952 just to shut him up. Unfortunately, that did not work. There he failed the oral portion of his final exams on his first attempt, which should have been a hint. After graduation in 1956, he studied briefly at Harvard University. Because he did not speak English, it was difficult and he did not distinguish himself. For most of the next 30 years, he taught philosophy and logic — mostly by denying they existed — at both the University of Paris and the École Normal Supérieure, despite not being employed as a teacher at either institution. Yet he did not defend his doctoral dissertation until 1980, when he was 50 years old and enough of a big-shot that nobody dared tell him he was full of hot gas. Most people would have figured out by this point that a career as an academic was probably not for them. Not Mr. Derrida.

By the early 1960’s, Mr. Derrida had made a name for himself as a rising young intellectual in Paris by publishing articles on language and philosophy in leading academic journals that nobody read and by occasionally floating several inches off the ground. He claimed to have been especially influenced by the German philosophers, Edmund Husserl and Martin Heidegger, both of whom he claimed were his close personal friends, even though Husserl died in 1938 and Heidegger said, “who’s doing what now?” when asked about Derrida. Both were strong critics of traditional metaphysics, a branch of philosophy which explored the basis and perception of reality. Mr. Derrida spent much of his time detached from reality, saying he considered it “a total bringdown.”

As a lecturer, Mr. Derrida cultivated charisma and mystery. Or maybe it was bafflement. For many years, he declined to be photographed for publication, fearing his soul would be stolen. “Bad juju,” he would mutter, putting his hands over his face and hissing. He cut a dashing, handsome figure at the lectern, with his thick thatch of prematurely white hair, tanned complexion, well-tailored suits, big floppy shoes and squirting lapel flower. He peppered his lectures with puns, rhymes and enigmatic pronouncements, like, “Thinking is what we already know that we have not yet begun,” or, “Too sweet to be sour, to nice to be mean, if I was breakfast sausage, I’d be the Jimmy Dean,” or, “Oh my friends, there is no friend,” something he usually said when people called him “my friend” and expected him to pay for the drinks. Then he would pull his empty pockets inside out and pout in an exaggerated, clownish manner while shrugging Gallicly.

Many readers found his prose turgid and baffling, even as nervous undergraduates eager to impress their T.A.’s claimed to find it “illuminating.” A single sentence could run for three pages, and a footnote even longer, and not one word of it would make even the slightest amount of sense, even by accident. Sometimes his books were written in “deconstructed” style. For example, “Glas” (1974) offers commentaries on the German philosopher Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel and the French novelist Jean Genet in parallel columns of the book’s pages; in between, there is an occasional third column of commentary about the two men’s ideas. A fourth column of text was published in another book entirely, no longer in print, and a fifth column was hidden in the old oak tree where it was eventually found by Joe and Frank’s chubby pal, Chet, and turned over to Detective Hardy.

Mr. Derrida appeared suddenly on the American intellectual landscape with a soft “pwoip” at a 1966 conference on the French intellectual movement known as structuralism at Johns Hopkins University, in Baltimore. Its high priest was French anthropologist Claude Lévi-Strauss, who studied societies through their linguistic structure when he wasn’t sewing blue jeans with little red tabs on the edge of the back pocket or trying to deconstruct them using a pair of horses and some old-timey ’49er prospectors.

Mr. Derrida shocked his American audience by announcing that structuralism was already passé in France, and that Mr. Lévi-Strauss’s ideas, like his pants, were too rigid, at least until they’d been through the wash a couple of times. Instead, Mr. Derrida offered deconstruction as the new, triumphant philosophy without bothering to explain what it was.

His presentation fired up young professors who were in search of a new intellectual movement to call their own. Others said, “Wha—?”

Many people wondered why the deconstructionists, so intent on proving that “texts” meant nothing because they contradicted themselves, never applied that rigorous negation to teaching contracts, students’ marks, tenure, grant applications or their paychecks, all texts which were apparently sacrosanct and somehow magically resistant to any attempts at being rendered meaningless.

Mr. Derrida’s influence was especially strong in the Yale University literature department, where one of his close friends, Belgian-born Nazi, Paul de Man, emerged as a leading champignon of deconstruction in literary analysis, and where they seemed to get a bang out of this kind of crap. Mr. de Man had claimed to be a refugee from war-torn Europe, and even left the impression among particularly credulous colleagues that he had joined the Belgian resistance. But in 1987, four years after Mr. de Man’s death, research revealed that he had written over 170 articles in the early 1940s for Le Soir, a Nazi newspaper in Belgium. Apparently, the only thing he ever resisted was not being a Nazi.

The revelations became a major scandal at Yale and other campuses where the late Mr. de Man had been lionized as an intellectual hero. Some former colleagues asserted that the scandal was being used to discredit deconstruction by people who were always hostile to the movement. But Mr. Derrida defended Mr. de Man, and even used literary deconstruction techniques in an attempt to demonstrate that the Belgian scholar’s newspaper articles were not really anti-Semitic. Anybody with any remaining doubt about the intellectual, historical or moral bankruptcy of deconstruction had to concede that Derrida’s stunt pretty much exemplified the banality of evil. Despite all that, some folks just couldn't figure it out, and continued to insist that deconstruction was still valid, applying it to everything from music videos to Bazooka Joe comics.

Almost as devastating for deconstruction and Mr. Derrida was the revelation, also in 1987, that Heidegger, one of his intellectual muses, was a dues-paying member of the Nazi Party from 1933 to 1945. Many gullible saps still refused to realize that deconstruction was basically some weird kind of fascism rewind in fake Marxist drag.

By the late 1980’s, Mr. Derrida’s intellectual star was on the wane on both sides of the Atlantic. But he remained a big draw at some East Coast universities and, for some inexplicable reason, at the University of California at Irvine, where he often flung sweat-soaked pages of his books to hordes of screeching fans and would usually offer his time-tested “built-in encore” of deconstructing “Slow Ride” by Foghat.

In his early years of intellectual fame, Mr. Derrida was criticized by European leftists for a lack of commitment to any political ideas except those shared by people who enjoyed goose-stepping, shiny boots and swastikas. But in the 1980’s, in a desperate, pathetic, day-late, dollar-short lunge for political correctness to pander to his fans on campuses in the United States, he became conspicuously active in a number of political causes, opposing apartheid, defending Czech dissidents, supporting the rights of North African immigrants in France, and saying that New Coke was not that good and that he preferred Dick Sargent's Darrin to that of Dick York on “Bewitched.”

Mr. Derrida also became far more accessible to the media. He marketed a line of talking dolls that babbled nonsense. Later there were T-shirts, coffee mugs, mouse pads and cardboard cutouts of Mr. Derrida's head that made automobile interiors smell like a crochety French college professor. He sat still for photos and gave interviews that stripped away his formerly mysterious aura to reveal the mundane details of his personal life. And boy, were they mundane.

Rather than hang around the Left Bank cafés traditionally inhabited by French intellectuals, Mr. Derrida preferred the quiet of Ris-Orangis, a suburb south of Paris, where he lived in a small house with his large wife, Marguerite Aucouturier, a psychoanalyst who married him because, she said, she had “never met anybody that screwy. It would take a lifetime to cure him, and I love a challenge.” The couple had two sons, Pierre and Jean. He also had a son, Daniel, with Sylviane Agacinski, a philosophy teacher who later married the French political leader Lionel Jospin, who later married Marguerite Aucouturier, who was already married to Jacques Derrida, who was his own grandpa, as he conclusively proved in “Of Grampatology,” the sequel to “Of Grammatology.”

As a young man, Mr. Derrida confessed, he hoped to become a professional soccer player. Soccer’s loss was philosophy’s disaster, and Mr. Derrida spent the rest of his life kicking Socrates, James Joyce, Shakespeare and everybody but Nazis instead of a leather spheroid. He also admitted to watching way too much television, happily gazing slack-jawed at everything from news to soap operas, and pestering Ms. Aucouturier to buy absolutely everything he saw advertised.

Late in his career, Mr. Derrida was asked, as he had been so often, what the hell deconstruction was. “Why don’t you ask a physicist or a mathematician about difficulty?” he replied, frostily, to a reporter in a 1998 interview. “Deconstruction requires work. If deconstruction is so obscure, why are the audiences in my lectures in the thousands? They feel they understand enough to understand more.”

“I didn’t know what the hell he was talking about,” the reporter admitted later. “But it was obvious he didn’t either, so that kind of evened things out. And ‘audiences at my lectures in the thousands’? Please. Come on. I guess he couldn’t count any better than he could read or write.”

Asked later in the same interview to at least take a wild stab at defining deconstruction, just for the hell of it for once, Mr. Derrida said: “It is impossible to respond. I can only do something which will leave me unsatisfied.”

For the first and only time in his life, Mr. Derrida’s readers and several generations of college students knew exactly what he meant.

Friday, September 17, 2004

Rocking the ballot box

Alice Cooper’s Political Makeup
By Richard Leiby
The Washington Post
Tuesday, August 24, 2004; Page C03
No more Mr. Nice Guy: Alice Cooper, a shock rocker back in the old days and now a fan of President Bush, says rock stars who’ve jumped on the John Kerry bandwagon — Sheryl Crow, Dave Matthews, James Taylor and Bruce Springsteen among them — are treasonous morons.

“To me, that’s treason. I call it treason against rock-and-roll, because rock is the antithesis of politics. Rock should never be in bed with politics,” the 56-year-old told the Canadian Press news service as he embarked last week on a 15-city Canadian tour.

Never one to avoid self-examination, Alice (aka Vincent Damon Furnier) added: “If you’re listening to a rock star in order to get your information on who to vote for, you’re a bigger moron than they are. Why are we rock stars? Because we’re morons. We sleep all day, we play music at night and very rarely do we sit around reading the Washington Journal.” (We think he meant watching C-SPAN’s “Washington Journal,” or maybe he meant perusing The Washington Postand The Wall Street Journal, but either way you get the idea.)

“Besides, when I read the list of people who are supporting Kerry, if I wasn’t already a Bush supporter, I would have immediately switched. Linda Ronstadt? Don Henley? Geez, that’s a good reason right there to vote for Bush.”


See also Denis Leary, No Cure For Cancer:
“Don Henley's gonna tell me how to vote? I don't f****** think so, okay? I got two words for Don Henley, Joe F****** Walsh, okay? Thanks for calling, Don. How long's your pony tail now?”

Of course, maybe Ms. Cooper/Mr. Furnier is disenchanted with the electoral process because of the selection of candidates.

As Alice himself sang in “Elected,” released as a single prior to the 1972 election (and given how that turned out, maybe Cooper wouldn’t have been a bad third-party alternative) and included on 1973’s Billion Dollar Babies LP (Cooper’s biggest seller):
I’m your top prime cut of meat, I’m your choice
I wanna be elected
A Yankee Doodle Dandy in a gold Rolls-Royce
I wanna be elected
Kids want a savior, don’t need a fake
I wanna be elected
We’re all gonna rock to the rules that I make
I wanna be elected, elected, elected
I never lied to you, I’ve always been cool
I wanna be elected, elected, elected
I gotta get the vote, and I told you about school
I wanna be elected, elected, elected


[fake Walter Winchell interjection: “Good evening Mr. and Mrs. America and all the ships at sea. The candidate is taking the country by storm.”]

Hallelujah, I wanna be elected
Everyone in the United States of America
We’re gonna win this one, take the country by storm
We’re gonna be elected
You and me together, young and strong
We’re gonna be elected, elected, elected
Respected, selected, call collected
I wanna be elected, elected

Given that Cooper felt this way and restrained himself from running, one has to conclude that although some of his views might seem objectionable, he’s smarter than Ralph Nader.

Which isn't saying much.

This presidential election offers a stark choice: a rich white guy who went to Yale and belonged to Skull & Bones, or a rich white guy who went to Yale and belonged to Skull & Bones.

(And since we’re drawing parallels with the 1972 election, see also Michael O’Donoghue’s “Freedom Of Choice,” National Lampoon, Volume 1, # 29, August 1972. You’ll have to look this one up yourself — it’s not online anywhere that I could find.)

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

You've never been where?

Yes, the 1970s are a rich and fecund morass of pop effluvia . . . fecund like a compost heap. But recent efforts to identify the “worst ever” rock song from that decade are kind of hampered. The problem is the “rock” adjective; kind of limiting, since it pretty much demands some kind of Rocking Out passage or a Killer Riff movement or some such signature rock and/or roll moment of released tension roaring out of a Marshall stack with a mess of distortion and whatever other effects can bolster its assaultive power. A lot of the very worst pop songs aren’t really “rock” songs, nor are they rock and roll songs; they’re more like tuneless power ballads with saturation-level-high-fructose-corn-syrup-sweetening and extra bombast.

Some candidates:
1. Paradise by the Dashboard Light. Meat Loaf.
Yes, it is tempting to just list all the tracks on Bat Out Of Hell and leave it at that. But while accurate, that’s way too easy. This one song distills everything rotten about that record in one gooey, distasteful wad. Here are all the ingredients of enduring crapulence: too long, too many molto pretensioso “movements,” that stupid baseball play-by-play/seduction montage sequence two-thirds of the way through and the oh-so-clever “prayin’ for the end of time” twist at the finale. It’s like just one crappy rock song wasn’t enough; Jim Steinman had to write four and then mash them all together into one painfully swollen lump from which there was — and remains — no escape.

2. It’s Still Rock ’n’ Roll To Me. Billy Joel
Sure, everything Billy Joel ever recorded was overly calculated, labored, dishonest, faked schmaltz. But this thing is like proto coot-rock, or something. Some guy born too late and without the compositional chops to be Irving Berlin, who didn’t understand the rock idiom sufficiently to write three-chord stompers was so unsettled by “New Wave” or whatever the hell you want to call that late ’70s/early ’80s pop mutation that he wrote a cranky, dyspeptic sneer-fest about his inability to understand it. And it wasn’t even funny.

3. Lonely Boy. Andrew Gold.
Not a bad hook, I’ll grant you. But the lyrics suck what little enjoyment might result from the cheap but satisfying riffing out of the enterprise. Boy is born (on a summer’s day, 1951). His parents vow to take care of him, and do. Two years later, kid sister. Boy sulks for 16 years, until the winter of 1969 when he leaves home, screeching vituperation at his — no doubt — utterly baffled parents. Sis gets married, has child. Where exactly is the tragedy here or the trauma that would’ve made Mr. Gold such a tragically lonely boy?

4. I’ve Never Been To Me. Charlene.
The title of the song makes it look like an postally abbreviated statement: I’ve never been to Maine. The song itself makes a lot less sense than that. “I’ve been undressed by kings / And I’ve seen some things / That a woman ain’t supposed to see.” We’re never told what it is that women undressed by kings aren’t supposed to see, and I’m just as glad.

5. The Night Chicago Died. Paper Lace.
But the thing that never made any sense to me about this was the first line: “Daddy was a cop / On the east side of Chicago.” East side of Chicago? Isn’t that Lake Michigan? That ridiculous mistake almost salvages the song, because it suggests a cop from a 1930s Warner Brothers B movie dog-paddling and looking for gangsters. “Alright, O’Malley, enough of your shenanigans. Even if Capone’s running bootleg liquor across the lake, you’ll not catch him by swimming. Now dry off and go find me some racketeers.”

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Random synapse firing

How long must we endure the ducking, prevaricating, self-justification and nonsensical blather of Howell Raines? Every time he strikes a keyboard, he's just digging that hole deeper. And because he refuses to take responsibility for his failure, it becomes easier, at least, to understand how the Jayson Blair mess happened. If Raines is this delusional about how that happened ("it was the culture at the paper . . . it was the rush for deadline scoops . . . it was 9/11 . . . it definitely wasn't some cracker moron asleep at the switch and dreaming of righting the wrongs of 400 years of poor race relations by relying on a drunk lying crackhead") it isn't surprising it did.

And now, we have yet more plafoodoo to endure wherein he tries to somehow connect his slamming the good ship New York Times into an iceberg with the help of Jayson Blair with fly-fishing; that's right, Raines is writing a book for people who weren't infuriated enough by his many thousand words' worth of "it-was-everybody's-fault-but-mine" in The Atlantic Monthly. Yet again, "Caught In My Fly" seems like the most appropriate title for his forthcoming book, which we can only hope suffers exactly the same fate as Jayson Blair's Burning Down My Master's House, now languishing in 99-cent remainder bins everywhere.

* * * * * * * * * *

Madonna would now like to be known as Esther. Yet she still lives a good part of the time in England. She used to spend a lot of time in Miami. Maybe she'll be spending even more time there . . . although probably in a different part of Miami than she used to haunt. Guy Ritchie has announced he will now be called "Myron Lefkowitz," and will shortly stop making feature films in order to concentrate on retiring from his new career in the pants business.

Thursday, May 13, 2004

Get the hook

What is it about the confluence of being male, turning 40, fishing and the compulsion to write about all three? Is there some testosterone-tripped genetic switch that flips when a guy turns 40 that causes him -- like the force that drives spawning fish back up a river to where they were hatched -- to suddenly need to write simply yet poetically about noble, bedrock truths wrested from a big two-hearted river . . . or even a dinky, gutless creek? A certain kind of guy turns 40 and suddenly can't wait to max out his credit card acquiring thousands of dollars' worth of olde-timey trout-snagging gear, then drive at top speed to the nearest (or the most impossibly remote and inaccessible) river, creek, stream, high-speed drainage canal or ditch, wade into it, stand there in a pair of rubber pants and start waving his rod around while wistfully pondering the magnificence of God’s creation, the vicissitudes of life, the pratfalls of modern existence, the bittersweet lessons acquired as the wisdom of age is slowly and inexorably traded for the brash vitality of youth as a wily trout eludes capture in a dance as old as yadda, yadda, yadda . . . ?

And those are only steps one and two. Step three is squeezing a pencil or punishing a keyboard (preferably on a battered-but-unbowed manual Remington) to set down these plangent apercus in simple, declarative sentences that are supposed to have the powerful depth and unhurried, poetic cadence of a Montana trout stream, but which usually read more like random submissions from the Hallmark slush pile.

Publishers must have realized a few years back that greeting-card "philostophy" about fishing is one of those evergreen genres that will always sell. The audience for this kind of book is either endlessly gullible, so forgetful it can read the same book over and over again without realizing it, or endlessly renewed as each year’s batch of newly-minted 40-year-olds decide fish are probably the best guides through the shoals of middle age.

There's a subgenre of books about sports that belong in this endlessly replicable category, too. In the United States, they're always thoughtful ruminations on the essential qualities of the American soul as expressed through baseball. They’re gentle, lyrical, self-consciously poetic and a lot like baseball itself: slow-moving, frequently dull, take way too long to get to the point and seem like they're a lot more fun to perpetrate than they are to consume. Sadly, however, books about baseball as a metaphor for life in the United States of America aren't punctuated by people trying to sell hotdogs, beer, peanuts or anybody playing choruses of "Na Na Hey Hey (Kiss Him Goodbye)" on a wheezing Wurlitzer through a crummy PA system.

In Canada, it's hockey books. You can slap just about anything about people chasing a puck around on a slab of ice and hitting each other between a pair of covers and it’ll earn out its advance and probably turn a profit. Without hockey books and government largesse, there wouldn't be a Canadian publishing industry. As baseball books aim to serve as a mirror for the American national character, hockey books aim to locate and limn the Canucklehead soul. Canadians invented an entire sport so they could box wearing skates, and that's supposed to indicate something about the essential nature of Canadians . . . although what it seems to indicate is that they're lousy boxers who'd prefer to be figure skaters, and figuring out what that indicates is probably a job for a clinical psychologist.

Americans get characterized as being bellicose and overbearing, and the sport they define themselves with is a pastoral, bucolic game that moves very slowly and in which there’s no physical contact. Canadians, quietly, internally proud of their "peace, order and good government," their international status as postwar referee/peacekeepers and their legendary politeness find their essential nature in a sport where dopey thugs with rage-management problems are celebrated and players who skate well are derided variously as "fancy," "European," or "gay."

But we were talking about fish. Books in which fishing is presented as a means to understand male aging are legion, with more appearing every year. This idea that the greatest truths of human existence can be grasped while waiting for a fish to try to swallow a fake bug on a string has been around for a long time. The first book of its kind was, of course, The Compleat Angler, written by Izaak Walton and first published in 1653. Three hundred and fifty years later, it's still in print. In 1925, Ernest Hemingway published In Our Time, the last two chapters of which are the first and second halves of "Big Two-Hearted River," which also uses fishing as means to greater truth and insight, but less prescriptively than Walton. Fifty-one years passed. Retired English teacher Norman Maclean's A River Runs Through It appeared in 1976.

I haven't read The Compleat Angler. In Our Time and A River Runs Through It are both fiction, and they’re both by people who know how to write, and how to write something worth reading and how to connect with a reader without it mattering whether the reader even likes fish, let alone fishing. There should be a requirement that anybody who wants to write about fly fishing except in a purely instructional way should first have to read both Maclean’s and Hemingway's work on the subject. And — what the hell — Richard Brautigan's Trout Fishing In America, too. After that, if they think they can do better, they can have a shot at it. But an editor ought to make the final judgment.

But that rule’s not in effect, unfortunately. So after Maclean's book, 18 years went by, and, in 1994, Howell Raines — apparently bummed for some reason about being The New York Times’s Washington bureau chief, wrote Fly Fishing Through The Midlife Crisis. Nothing wrong with that. Fishing helps you, you want to write about it, go right ahead. But then Anchor published it, and suddenly every middle-management Babbitt moping about having peaked five years earlier without realizing it attached himself to the thing like a lamprey. A friend of mine came up with a much better title for Raines’s book: Caught In My Fly.

(And now that Raines has quit the Times, he’s — what else? — gone fishing. Maybe Rick Bragg’s out there with him, both of them waggling their rods around, snagging each other's shirts with their lovingly hand-crafted Creagle McSquintly's Wee Hours Boofer Bear™ lures, swilling George Dickel from hip flasks as they work out the details for a co-written book: Reelin’ In The Years: How Two Soggy Crackers Got Caught, Cleaned, Pan-Fried and Eaten Before They Knew What Hit Them . . .and it's more likely an eager, anonymous kid will bait Bragg's hooks, cast his lines, reel his fish almost all the way in, then summon Rick to actually jerk them out of the water and into the landing net.)

In 1995, novelist/screenwriter Paul Quarrington wrote Fishing With My Old Guy, explaining it this way: "I have a theory about the transitional nature of a human life, how one needs someone to facilitate passage, how this is often accomplished by an elder under the pretense of imparting the minutiae of some art or craft. Some anglers, near the end of their days, have acquired that knowledge, which they can then share with the young ones. Fishing is an area that can, even in this decidedly unmagical day and age, still produce magi. I call them Old Guys."

Others call them Elves, Curmudgeons, Mugwumps, Codgers or Coots. Some call them "Grandpa."

No less a personage than faux-folksy radio raconteur Stuart Maclean, Canada's own Garrison Keillor manqué, deemed Quarrington’s fish story "a book of great heart. It is also a book that will make you laugh out loud, and when everyone is asleep and you are still reading, you will nudge the person beside you and say, 'Are you awake? Can I read you one more thing?'"

At which point, said person will snarl, "I am now, and no you can't. Please. No more twee crap about bits of fishing tackle with names that sound like Tolkein characters. No more wry observations. No more avuncular chuckling, eyebrow-cocking, twinkling or wistful gazing into the middle distance. One more word about fish and the men who love catching them too much and you’ll be sleeping with them.”

But the thing must have sold better than anything else Quarrington wrote, because by 2001 there was Fishing for Brookies, Browns & Bows: The Old Guy's Compleat Guide to Catching Trout. And it’s probably just a matter of time until The Even Older Guy vs. The Trout: This Time It’s Personal.

Until then, baffle yourself with Catch and Release: Trout Fishing and the Meaning of Life by Mark Kingwell. The Penguin catalog copy says, "The philosopher who wrote Better Living: In Pursuit of Happiness may have found something better than Plato or Prozac — fly-fishing. The family joke was that Mark Kingwell would skip 'The Weekend' — two days of trout fishing with his father and two brothers. Fishing is stupid, believed Kingwell, scarred by his earlier, dismal experiences with the sport. When he finally agrees to accompany his father and brothers, he huffs, 'I will sit in the back of the boat reading The Critique of Pure Reason, but I will not fish.' What a difference two days make. Over the course of the weekend, Kingwell comes to understand fly-fishing's appeal, and he learns that it's not just about the fish. A celebration of male companionship and the one that got away, Catch and Release is a wonderful slice of life from an unlikely angler."

"Slice of life"? Well, I'm sure its a slice of something, although probably not life, at least, not as most of us would understand it. Never mind that the copy's tenses meander all over the place, or that it seems to promise a celebration of a male companion that got away, or that it describes remaining perfectly still and quiet and holding a rod as a "sport" (if fishing is a sport, what does that make chess?) . . . ponder instead how strenuously Kingwell is striving to turn himself from an overweening, self-consciously "with it" philosophy professor into a tenure-limpet, clinging to his suburban satellite campus sinecure: One minute, he's repurposing his unresearched, subjective musings into books offering Introduction to Philosophy, E-Z-Read-R Classics Illustrated version. An instant later, he's written Squeeze and Release: Caught In My Fly II (or, if you prefer, any of the following:) Still Waters, Deep Thoughts: The Comfort Of My Rod, Maybe Dick, Leviathan (“What? Who’s Thomas Hobbes? Really? Damn!”), The Fishin’ Semiotician, Ikhthus Agonistes, or Live Bait: Musings Of A Hip Wader. From hipster doofus to crusty uncle in a single trout season.

The only time I've ever gone fishing and not figured there was something better I could have been doing was with my wife's uncle about seven years ago. His family started and ran a big commercial fishing operation in British Columbia for years, and he still goes out to catch salmon just about every day. (When he's not catching salmon, he's catching prawns.) Before I could marry my wife, we had to spend a day going after salmon with him; it was a west coast familial rite of passage. We woke up at four a.m., drove across town, were on the water by five a.m. or so and done by eleven, having caught a number of fish. His boat is a kind of minimal fishing machine, built to catch fish and do nothing else. That's exactly what it did, even on a morning where every other person he talked to on the radio was fishless, including a charter operator with a boat full of perplexed and increasingly annoyed tourists.

That kind of fishing I could understand, more so because it was the first step in a process that included smoking and eventually eating the fish as well as catching them, and because he’d dedicated his entire life to it, and it was inspiring to see somebody who voluntarily did in retirement something that had been his job since he was a kid.

But the trout kind of fishing where arrested adolescents hit 40 and decide the best way to spend their remaining time on earth is to match wits with fish, the kind that makes people reel in simple stream-borne truths and modest book advances for regurgitating hokey bromides in a damp idyll -- the appeal of that kind of fishing is a mystery.

"Well . . . a lot of madness has flowed under our various bridges since then, and we have all presumably learned a lot of things . . . and my feeling for national politics is about the same as my feeling for deep-sea fishing, buying land in Cozumel or anything else where the losers end up thrashing around in the water on a barbed hook."—Hunter S. Thompson, "The Great Shark Hunt," Playboy, December 1974

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

Da Ya Think I'm Wretched?

Rod Stewart is now a crooner of some kind, and, more remarkably, nobody seems to be calling him on it. One minute, boomer CD players are rotating Bruce Hornsby, Marc Cohn and every other faceless adult contemporary one-hit nobody with another sound-alike pleasant-enough-I-guess chunk of aural wallpaper, the next it's their parents' music, only performed by people who haven't got the chops for it.

Why the refusal to just listen to the actual old recordings of the classic American popular music canon -- the standards? Why do that? I blame Linda Ronstadt. Some of you may remember her attempt to go "new wave" in the late 1970s by recording clueless, over-produced covers of about a half-a-dozen Costello/Attractions numbers. The effort flamed out, mainly because it was transparent, ill-conceived and anybody who cared already knew the Costello versions, and could tell immediately they were better.

Linda didn't let that misstep get her down, though . . . putting that pain behind her, she switched direction abruptly and took a page from the Firesign Theatre playbook: "Forward -- into the past!" Linda, being a joke, was unable to take one or recognize one: she corralled poor old Nelson Riddle into arranging a mess of venerated musical chestnuts with an orchestra and tried to turn herself into a combination facsimile of Patti Page, Gogi Grant and Kay Starr, murmuring breathily while leaning against a lush bank of strings, her ample frame stuffed into a strapless rayon sheath -- say hello to Linda Ronstadt, cocktail wiener . . . or maybe that's sausage.

But these days, Linda (or her management -- whoever thought that move up) looks visionary. Exhuming the Tin Pan Alley classics has now become the standard career third-act/fourth-quarter gambit to stay in the spotlight and sell a few more records.
Too old to rock and roll? Put on a tuxedo or cocktail dress, climb onto the cabaret's postage-stamp stage, settle your hip into that dent in the baby grand and pretend to be all world-weary. What used to be world-weary is now just kind of post-detox drug-and-alcohol-damage gappiness. But if don't know the difference between having drunk too deeply from the well of life and just plain having drunk too much . . . or being too drunk too often, well, they probably come across much the same.

Rod Stewart's last good record was probably Never A Dull Moment. I'll accept the singles "Stay With Me" and "You Wear It Well," too. But from Atlantic Crossing onward, things got worse and worse. The wretched, desperate clumsiness of everything else makes his early work seem like a series of lucky flukes. More likely, it seems as though the Faces got work out of Stewart that nobody else could.

Stewart's producers Richard Perry, Phil Ramone and label-owner Clive Davis seem to have figured that nobody bought Bryan Ferry's collection of old cabaret numbers and used it to compile the repertoire for Rod Croaks The Classics, doubtless an endless series. It's eerie how many selections the projects have in common.

Just as tough to understand as not one but two volumes of Rod Stewart mangling material he's not nearly up to: Bette Midler's teaming up with Barry Manilow to try to turn herself into Rosemary Clooney. Who asked her to do this? Why Rosemary Clooney? The poor woman had a tough enough life. Now she has to keep suffering for the sake of some bizarre Continental Baths reunion project. The idea that an unabashed schmaltz-and-syrup-extruder like Manilow would choose Rosemary Clooney's back catalog seems kind of funny, though. Is this his bid for respectability or legitimacy? Is this Barry's idea of getting "tough"?

If you wanted to listen to Rosemary Clooney, wouldn't you just listen to Rosemary Clooney, rather than Bette Midler pretending to be Rosemary Clooney? It's not like her recorded work is hard to find. Amazon offers 122 Rosemary Clooney albums for sale.

This Midler record and the two Stewart efforts seem like introductions to the classic canon for people who can't just figure out how to listen to this stuff on their own. What I don't get is why there has to be some kind of special E-Z version of something as innately likeable as pop standards. It's not like it's tough or challenging to listen to Sinatra's Capitol recordings, or Tony Bennett's work, or Ella Fitzgerald or Blossom Dearie or [your favorite pre-rock-and-roll performer here]. The CD boom ensures that all this stuff has been hauled out of vaults, tidied up sonically, remastered and made available. If you're just curious and unwilling even to order The Best of Frank Sinatra's Capitol Years through Amazon, there's always downloading.

Why would there be any trepidation or resistance anyway? It's not like any of this material is in any way challenging or confrontational or assaultive. The chord progressions are swell, the melodies all use only the pretty notes, and the lyrics are models of poetic concision and subtly calibrated emotional truth. This is work composed by the Gershwins and Dorothy Fields and Jimmy McHugh and Cole Porter and Irving Berlin and Rodgers & Hart -- people who wrote popular music -- not Edgard Varese. Also, these are standards -- everybody and his dog has cut them in every imaginable configuration pretty regularly for 80 years and then some. That ought to make it easy for even the dimmest, most drug-battered ignoroid to find a version to imitate.

The only people who'd figure the Rod Stewart take on the pop music canon was worthwhile are people for whom the songs themselves are a revelation. And a lot of his choices are wonderful songs. It's hard to make them truly ugly.

But it's easy to cheapen, degrade, disrespect and devalue them through a combination of exploitive greed and stupid arrogance and lacking a clue about what to do next in your sorry, meretricious career.

But face it, Rod: you'll never make up for "Tonight's The Night" or "Da Ya Think I'm Sexy" or putting yourself in a Renoir on the cover of A Night On the Town, never mind the mess you made of "Downtown Train." Why make God even angrier by soiling the achievements of Tin Pan Alley's finest? Rod Stewart demonstrates, finally and totally and in a completely negative way, that it really is the singer not the song.